Book Review 'The Subtle Art Of Not Giving a F*ck'
The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck is the actual title of this book by Mark Manson. He presents in a radical way his approach to dealing with the perceived overwhelming influx of problems into our lives, from the personal ones to the world's big issues.
Mark questions some of paradigms that we learn from society and then talks about the fact that we may not have control over everything that happens in our lives but we do have control over our perspective, and this can make our lives simpler.
Although I lost count of the number of times he says 'Fuck' in the first chapter, from chapter 2 he goes deeper and illustrates his ideas with great examples, some of those from his own life.
From all the points presented in this book, these are the ones that resonated the most with me:
1. Giving fuck about everything. From some people growing older, getting educated and having access information in the form of news can be overwhelming because we not only worry about problems in our close proximity anymore but we also do about the city, country and world problems. When we read news we have a lot to choose from: terrorism, gender inequality, discrimination, bullying, same-sex marriage, corruption, refugees, housing bubble, tweets sent world leaders, etc. However, even if we wanted to, I personally don't think we would have the time in a day or a week to worry about all world problems.
The main idea in this book is that worrying about too many things means that we are attached to the fantasy of how the world is supposed to be and if we want enjoy life more we need to accept that the world is as it is and we can only care about a limited number of issues. He emphasises that he is not proposing being indifferent but rather be selective in accordance with your values.
2. Lack of adversity doesn't exist. Regarding this point he says that no matter where you go adversity will be waiting for you, we can't get away from that, therefore it's up to each individual to decide what adversity to deal with. I have come to understand that when we don't pick our battles, someone else does it for us, this could well be done by social media.
In all areas of life, including relationships, regardless of the level of perceived success that we achieve, there will be challenges. This reminds of a law of social behaviour I learned from John Demartini called Law of Eristic Escalation which says that when somebody in society attempts to impose a rule or order in that society, and equal and opposite social force will emerge to cause chaos and disorder.
3. The solution of a problem is the creation of the next one. Our evolution as human beings brings new challenges with lessons for us to learn, the authors describes this as a never-ending upward spiral. For example, attaining high levels of financial wealth may resolve our money problems but it also means we need to get more specialised in asset protection, finding the right advisors, discerning when people are getting closer just for the money, etc. Another one could be the challenge that many people find in getting a new job after they study hard to finish a university degree. Also, when people retire, they don't need to go to work anymore from 9 to 5, which sounds great but many find themselves bored, isolated and can even get sick as a consequence.
4. Our values determine the nature of our problems. My current understanding of values derives from Axiology, which is the study of human values and worth, our natural inclinations. When we live in accordance to our top values, we tend to want to solve problems, we are willing to overcome the challenges and we get fulfillment from that. One problem we experience nowadays is that we get so much information from the media presented in a very commercial way that we may feel the need to worry about everything that is happening around the world, and we simply can't be involved in everything. And, merely worrying about issues doesn't get anything resolved.
In the book Mark also says "if you want to change how you see your problems, you have to change what you value and/or how you measure failure/success". From my perspective, and going back to Axiology, our problems in life may originate from not living in accordance with our highest values and from subordinating to other people's values and trying to live their lives. When we do that and don't get the expected results we label that as 'failure' but in reality life is only giving us feedback to make changes, and move on.
Also the label of 'success' is not exclusive to some people, we all have an area of life we are successful at, although that area might not be what we think it should be. Going even deeper on this point he says "we don't know what a positive or negative experience is... don't trust your conception of positive / negative experiences", he explains that the most positive experiences after some time we my find they were actually demotivating and the most negative experiences could end up being gratifying.
There's a quote that says this beautifully
“For everything you have missed, you have gained something else, and for everything you gain, you lose something else”
5. Being wrong about everything. He explains that throughout his life he has been wrong about what he believed about himself, others, society, culture, the world, the universe - everything. He expects this continue to be the case for the rest of his life. As he can now look at the past and notice all that he didn't know, he's open to one day in the future to look back at his present self and notice the flaws, including the content of this book. I find this very powerful because sometimes we don't express an idea, write a book, start a project or do some activity because we fear in the future this will be obsolete, but that has happened through history with big thinkers, discoveries of the human body, nature, etc., this is how we evolve. This idea is summarised in this line
“Growing is an endlessly iterative process”
6. Immortality projects. The author extracts this term from the book The Denial of Death by Ernest Becker, which means that because of our fear of death we put our names on buildings, on statues, we write books, because we want to leave a legacy beyond our physical existence.
When we live in accordance with our values, we don't deny them, and align our projects with them we can find more meaning in our lives. Some people in history have left a legacy to the world, even changed the course of history, but I think we can also start in a small scale, and still find meaning.
In the final section of the book Mark talks about the importance of confronting the reality of our own mortality, this is something we certainly don't always like to talk about because of fear of death, of leaving people behind, projects that we never started, trips we never did. It's when we face death in an accident, kidnapping, recovery from an illness, that we re-evaluate what's really important in our life, and what our legacy will be.
I recommend you watch this brilliant TED Talk by BJ Miller on the subject of what really matters at the end of life.
One exercise I personally do when confronted with some difficult decisions is: if I were in my